Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
  
  A jumper cable walks into a bar.
  The bartender says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
  
  A sandwich walks into a bar.
  The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
  
  A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
  
  A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm
  and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
  
  Two aerial antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married.
  The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
  
  Two cannibals are eating a clown.
  One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
  
  "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
  "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
  "Is it common?"
  "It's Not Unusual."
  
  Two cows standing next to each other in a field.
  Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
  "I don't believe you," said Dolly.
  "It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.
  
  An invisible man marries an invisible woman.
  The kids were nothing to look at either.
  
  Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
  One says, "I've lost my electron."
  The other says, "Are you sure?"
  The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
  
  Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
  
  A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says,
  "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
  "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him."
  So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
  Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
  "What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
  "No, because he's really heavy."
  
  Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.
  And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.
  It's either my mum or my dad... or maybe my older brother Colin
  or my younger brother Ho-Cha Chu.
  But I'm pretty sure it's Colin.
  
  I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day
  but I couldn't find any.
  
  I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he
  couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
  He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
  
  A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.
  He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
  The doctor replied, "I know you can't- I've cut your arms off!"
  
  I went to a seafood disco rave last week.... and pulled a mussel.
  
  Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire
  in the craft, it sank, proving that you can't have your kayak and heat
  it too.
  
  What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
  
  Two termites walk into a bar. One asked, "Is the bar tender here?"
  
  A drunk walks into a bar. "Ouch!" he says.

 

   

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